I have struggled with my weight since I was in grade 5, that was the very first time that I thought I should lose some weight, that I was not similarly sized as the girls around me. I never thought I was good enough when it came to weight.
SO I ate food, constantly always eating and never eating correctly. If i’m being honest in Junior High I would come home and eat basically half of a baguette that my parents had bought for dinner and some marble cheese. While I admit that I still absolutely love bread and cheese, I know for portioning that I probably shouldn’t eat that much in one go. I still remember in Grade 7 being called an Ogre during class change happened from a boy that for lack of a better word I was obsessed with. He decided to scream that in front of everyone while walking up the stairs and let’s just say that these years were definitely impactful in how my body image was developed. You can tell it stuck with me because I still remember all the details.
I kept gaining weight all through High School. I would constantly try different diets which just meant that I would basically think that I should only have lettuce and watermelon for lunch at school which just made me hungrier. Then I would come home and either that day or the next I would eat even more.
I remember going to my grad, in a dress that was beautiful but I felt completely uncomfortable in my body. This is something that kept on going throughout my teens until finally I hit what I believe was my rock bottom of self esteem.
From the rock bottom is where I finally knew I wanted a change. I was not doing well in University at MUN, I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do with my life and I felt lost. I felt that way for an entire Summer by myself, I never saw any friends at all because I was too sad, and I just worked. I made a pact with myself that as of September when I had saved up enough money I would join weight watchers and I was actually going to take it seriously.
Weight watchers gave me my life back. That year in university I took my first class in what would become my major. Weight watchers allowed me to finally start to like myself. It started pretty slow but I started from weighing 220 pounds, which I have never written publicly before. But I knew that for turning 20 I no longer wanted to feel sad about myself so I would take action.
Over the course of one year, I lost about 60 pounds and I felt so good about myself. I can shop in any store and know for the most part that I can fit into clothes there which is life changing for me. Weight Watchers was so helpful for portion control and finding foods that even I can like and enjoy but are good for me. Weight loss is important for your health but you also have to know that feeling good in yourself is the best piece of advice. Trust your body, it knows more than you think it does.
Finally after 2 years at Weight Watchers I plateaued, so I started some other methods in order to lose weight. I became very obsessive over the number on the scale and I was not consuming enough for the amount that I was working out. It was the smallest weight I have ever been but I was so tired all the time and grumpy that it was not enjoyable. I want everyone to understand that even at my smallest I still never felt like it was good enough, good enough comes from within and you have to find it all by yourself.
Now at 25, I still struggle with my weight. I still weigh myself constantly. I definitely still need help with figuring out the best foods for myself. But I have been thinking about my weight since I was the age of 10 years old. So for 15 years it is always on my mind, but maybe it’s not as prominent as it once was. I stay relatively the same weight. I did gain weight when I got into a relationship but they say that’s pretty normal. After the weight loss there was some new things I found out about my body, like loose skin on my stomach from fast weight loss during the first years.
But my best piece advice, the only thing I would have told my younger self or to anyone who is struggling is, sweetheart you are more than you can ever know. While it’s cliche to say, the people around you when they say that you are a good person and beautiful, listen to them, they aren’t saying it to make you feel better. Also don’t let one little boy ruin your self image, because what people say about you more reflects them and not you.
*Every image used is from some portion of my weight loss journey, the last picture is from this month, I’m not as small as I was but I am a lot happier than I once was. Any questions about it all, ask on Instagram*